Please Find This.

It’s no coincidence. I play that song around you so maybe you’ll actually listen to the lyrics for once and know how I feel.

I was wondering if you had a second. To talk about anything at all.

(text from: pleasefindthis.blogspot.com)

I am. (Already).

I am the Biggest Dick in the World

After learning that a couple I know actually met through a personal ad, I woke up on Valentine’s Day morning, decided to take a look at the ads – and then it came to me, slowly:

My personal ad.

So, I created it. And ran it.

The only response I received? From a Princeton graduate, current Ph.D. student that described herself as: insane, irresponsible optimist, impulsive, articulate. She said, “I am three standard deviations above the mean by most measures, including baggage and general fuck-up-ed-ness.”

This couldn’t have gone any better. Here’s the ad:

…so, the initial title of my post was to be: I HAVE the Biggest Dick in the World. Somehow, strangely, I mistakenly input AM for HAVE. And so, when I went to post my desperate plea to the world for some good lovin’ on this day of Saint Valentine, I found that it was oddly appropriate. And more than that, I’m the kind of dude that knows: Chicks love Bad Boys.

And I, dear reader, am ba-ad. I will strangle you and slap you upside the head with my awesome lexicographic badness. Really, you’d love to meet me.

Because really, once you get around the fact that I have a massive rooster and like to talk in dysphemisms to emphasize my awesome bad self, you should easily locate the fact that: I AM the Biggest Dick in the World.

Trust me: You’d love to meet me. I am such a Dick/Johnson (both are my birth names, but I won’t tell you which is my surname – if you even know what that means) that:

I will probably tell you things like: You can’t split an infinitive. Or, stranding prepositions is okay. But after that encouraging pat on the back, my true cockiness will become erect in some foul-lick state and I will say: An ellipsis consists of no more than 3 (read: three) periods. Idiot.

Caveat Emptor: I. Am. Bad.

(I am so bad, I actually wear all white – like J.C. or Colonel Sanders)

I am such a Dick/Johnson that at some point I will probably demonstrate my wealthy pedigree with some bedazzling gems including: My sesquipedalian lexicon. My aptitude for locating and destroying everybody’s grammatical and verbal solecisms.

I am such a Dick I can’t even tell you how many times in an evening I will brag about how badass I am at holding the door open for you. In fact, I may even give you a fat lip with my favorite of the antiquated words: chivalry (second place, “sepia”).

Caveat Emptor: I am a colossal, endowed, gigantic Dick. Er, Johnson (You bet your serf-like existence that I’m proud of my family’s name. Bow down and lick the hand that feeds you, please).

I am such a ginormous (yes, that’s a word, language serf – it was one of the top neologisms for 2007) Dick/Johnson that my bad biker self will probably always say things like: The word “irony” is not the same as the word “coincidence”. Geezus (I’m pretty bad, but I misspell on the fact that I don’t want to offend the top badman of the world, J.C.). I’ll have you know that “cliché” is not the same as “hackneyed”. And really, get it right: “notorious” is not synonymous with “famous”. Nor is “modern” synonymous with “contemporary”. Douche.

I will probably use contractions appropriately and you will probably become annoyed at my awesomeness and general adroitness with language. If you are lucky, I may even recite some of my favorite poems from poets like: Myself, Rilke, Neruda, Plath, Bukowski or even cummings. Yes, that’s right I am the kind of Dick that’s a pleonastic erudite. A giant Johnson in the ass.

Huh?

Anywho: You probably should know however that yes, I’m the kind of Dick that won’t capitalize anything in my emails because I believe in artistic liberty. And yes, by liberty I actually do mean: choice. And while there are multitudes of other fine, awesome-ass points that I could make on my behalf, I will simply leave you with these facts which support the fact that I’m NOT the kind of Dick/Johnson that:

Has any friends named Chad.

Owns even one baseball cap/wears it backwards and in public.

Visits LoDo’s scrumptious bars or grills (with or without that British “e”).

Says “delish”.

My favorite word, however, is: fucktard. And no, you can’t say it just because my gigantic Dick of a bad self uses it. I hate followers, but I do like to have my ass worshipped and rubbed. Kneeded (did you catch that word play. She-it. Be-otch.)

In the end I am the kind of big Dicked Johnson that does not enjoy the company of very fat, er check that – stupid – girls. You can be kind of fat as long as you’re not kind of stupid. For I wish not to diminish the fine pedigree of my family (this of course will happen after you see my massive Johnson and begin the worship ceremony which inevitably will lead to the dispersion of my coconut infused man juice).

What?

“Kim & Jesse”: by Jason Thielke for the 2009 Scope New York Art Fair

Proust Questionnaire

The Proust Questionnaire is a questionnaire about one’s personality. Its name and modern popularity as a form of interview is owed to the responses given by the French writer Marcel Proust.

At the end of the nineteenth century, when Proust was still in his teens, he answered a questionnaire in an English-language Confession album belonging to his friend Antoinette, daughter of future President Felix Faure, entitled “An Album to Record Thoughts, Feelings, etc.” At that time, it was a fad among English families to answer such a list of questions that revealed the tastes and aspirations of the taker.

(from Wikipedia)

Here is the Proust Questionnaire, with our answers in-place of Proust’s:

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
The inability to step outside one’s self

Where would you like to live?
The Northwest coast

What is your idea of earthly happiness?
That place where pure terror meets exalted joy

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Sensualist and comfort monger

Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?
Harry Haller, Henry Chinaski, Mersault, the Old Man

Who are your favorite characters in history?
Nietzsche, Beethoven, John H. Gregory

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
Mother and any being that strives for something larger than their simple self.

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Eve, Mary Magdalene, Nancy Drew, Elizabeth Bennet.

Your favorite painter?
Rothko

Your favorite musician?
Ludwig van Beethoven

The quality you most admire in a man?
Intellectual dexterity and integrity

The quality you most admire in a woman?
Grace

Your favorite virtue?
Love

Your favorite occupation?
Of mine: Writing. Not mine: Playboy

Who would you have liked to be?
Her greatest love

Your most marked characteristic?
The stirring of my passions

The quality you most like in a man?
Gentleness

The quality you most like in a woman?
Intuition

What do you most value in your friends?
Ability to listen

What is your principle defect?
Impatience

What is your dream of happiness?
To love as hard as I can

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
Visual blindness

What would you like to be?
Particle Physicist. Cosmologist.

In what country would you like to live?
Italy

What is your favorite color?
Green

What is your favorite flower?
Whatever hers is. Or, stargazer lilies.

What is your favorite bird?
Any bird of prey.

Who are your favorite prose writers?
Nietzsche, Dostoyevsky, Goethe

Who are your favoite poets?
Bukowski, Rilke, Neruda

What are your favorite names?
Jack, Henry

What is it you most dislike?
Uncritical thinkers

What historical figures do you most despise?
Any Socialist or Communist. Currently: Barack Obama, John McCain.

What event in military history do you most admire?
The American Revolution and the next Civil War.

What reform do you most admire?
America’s Declaration of Independence

What natural gift would you most like to possess?
Photographic memory

How would you like to die?
Sexual Asphyxiation

What is your present state of mind?
Aching

What is your motto?
Anything less than passionate is unacceptable.

Vocabulary is Delicious.

Here is this month’s vocabulary list, so far:

dysphorism – nastier way to say something. euphemism is its opposite.

sedulous - Diligence is a zealous and careful nature in one’s actions and work.

purview - horizon: the range of interest or activity that can be anticipated.

vertiginous (adj.) – whirling; spinning; rotary

gonfalon (n.) – a banner suspended from a crossbar, often with several streamers or tails

sine die (Latin) – without fixing a day for future action or meeting

animalculum (n.) – microscopic organism such as an amoeba or paramecium

pleonasm (n.) – the use of more words than are necessary to express an idea; redundancy

anapest (n.) – a metric foot composed of two short syllables followed by a long one, as in the word seventeen

indurate (adj.) -physically or morally hardened

androsartorial (adj.) -men’s fashion

pourparler (n.) -an informal, preliminary discussion

gnomic (adj.) – characterized by aphorism

autotelic (adj.) – having a purpose in and not apart from itself

occlude (v.) – To cause to become closed; obstruct

sesquipedalian (adj.) – Having many syllables, long; as in “sesquipedalian terms”. Long and ponderous; polysyllabic.

suppurate - oozing pus.

obdurate - stubbornly persistent in wrongdoing. flinty; showing unfeeling resistance to tender feelings.

gravitas - dignity; formality in bearing and appearance; high seriousness.

lallate (v.) – to speak like a baby or an otherwise pronunciation-challenged child.

Denver Erotica is Hot.

Even Denver, the Queen City of the Plains, is sexy sometimes. Denver erotica author, The Provocateur is proving that with his brand of mind fuck erotica for women and men alike. Here is an excerpt from one of his 65 true stories of love and lust:

“We are meaning-making machines. Like we’re baby making machines. Like we’re death machines, alive.

Just like making babies – those little legacies – our bodies were also built for one thing: death and dying. Always moribund we are in our peacock strutting.

Like you: I am always groping for meaning in my life. In other’s lives.

I have no God and have been seeking something as a replacement for as long as I can remember. Like the heroin junkie, I use my drug of choice to elevate me higher; to pad my fingers on the pulse of God.

Like the heroin junkie, I have used my body to take that drug.

But unlike the heroin junkie, I have used sex as that drug.”

For the complete true story, as well as over 65 others, visit Denver’s Provocateur: www.provocateurerotica.com.

I Do Not Love You: A Love Poem

XVII (I do not love you…)
by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Everyone But You

Ex-Denverite and musician, Eric Shiveley created a film Everyone But You. The film will break your heart.

It’s about struggling to be a musician and a human in this strange, complex world.

syntax supports Eric and his beautiful film.

Barack Obama is Like Jesus

…only blacker…

I am embarrassed by what happened this election year. On inauguration day.

If you voted for Obama, you voted for Big Government.

If you voted for McCain, you voted for Big Government.

When you vote for Big Government you are voting for the furthest thing away from your self. Take responsibility. Don’t give it away…

Read all about it, here: Election Year 2008: I’m Embarrassed

Top 25 Denver Recordings of 2008

These are some of our favorite local tracks from 2008 (with two technically being released at the beginning of next year). Hopefully we’ll receive some good hate mail about how bad our taste is (to which end, we will ask you to bend over while we tell you what you ate for dinner last night). Please, by all means: send it along. We’ll set it on the mantle with the other letters. And laugh.

Once again, we had a pretty stellar music year in Denver and around the Queen City. This list testifies to that:

1. (die) Pilot: “Walk to the Sun”
www.myspace.com/diepilot

2. Josephine and the Mousepeople: “She Needs Fire”
www.myspace.com/josephineandthemousepeople

3. Natural Selection: “15 up to Colfax”
www.myspace.com/thenaturalselection

4. Young Coyotes: “When I Was in the Fire”
www.myspace.com/youngcoyotes

5. Park Pourbaix: “Holding Out”
www.myspace.com/timpourbaixmusic

6. Liz Forster: “Away”
www.myspace.com/elizabethmurrayforster

7. Swayback: “Just Like the Old Days”
www.myspace.com/theswayback

8. Hello Kavita: “Silent Bed”
www.myspace.com/hellokavita

9. Everything Absent or Distorted: “Aquariums”
www.myspace.com/everythingabsentordistor

10. Reed Foehl: “St. John Smith Square”
www.myspace.com/reedfoehl

11. 3oh!3: “Don’t Trust Me”
www.myspace.com/3oh3

12. Achille Lauro: “Put Your Guns Away”
www.myspace.com/achillelauro

13. Rachael Pollard: “Crazy for You”
www.myspace.com/rachaelpollard

14. Rowboat: “Better This Way”
www.myspace.com/rowboatrow

15. Mike Marchant: “Lower Downtown Curses”
www.myspace.com/mikeprocessor

16. Ghost Dance Society: “Shadows in my Room”
www.myspace.com/ghostdancesociety

17. Joseph Pope III: “Expatriot”
www.myspace.com/josephpopeiii

18. Bela Karoli: “String of Lights”
www.myspace.com/belakaroli

19. Dan Craig: “Further to Fall”
www.myspace.com/dancraigmusic

20. Wentworth Kersey: “Breakdown”
www.myspace.com/wentworthkersey

21. The Rouge: “What You Get”
www.myspace.com/therougeband

22. The Knew: “Piece of Mind”
www.myspace.com/theknew

23. Britt Rodemich: “Castle”
www.myspace.com/brittrodemich

24. The Still City: Sleepwalkers for Life”
www.myspace.com/thestillcity

25. d.biddle: “Laughter”
www.myspace.com/dbiddle